Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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