please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
