They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
