Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
