I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
