Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
