I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
