what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
