wrigley field is MILF paradise
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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