Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
