I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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