she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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