He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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