ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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