somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Please don't give away my fajitas
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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