Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
