I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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