he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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