You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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