Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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