im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize