OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
