When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
