Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
