my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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