I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
