found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
