If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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