it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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