i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
