I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
