Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We left the knife in your bed.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
