Don't make out with my wife yet
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
