when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I need moral support for this bender
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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