i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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