The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize