I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
