i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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