Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
