so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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