What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
