last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize