I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
