Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
