I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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