my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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