I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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