Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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