apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
