soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
