listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
