Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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