Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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