Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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