why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
