party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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