Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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