I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
