If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you win again, gameday.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
